You’re walking in the woods.
There’s no one around,
And your phone is dead.
Out of the corner of your eye you spot him,
Shia Labeouf.
He’s following you
About 30 feet back.
He gets down on all fours and breaks into a sprint.
He’s gaining on you.
Shia Labeouf.
You’re looking for your car,
But you’re all turned around.
He’s almost upon you now.
And you can see there’s blood on his face!
My God, there’s blood everywhere!
Running for your life (from Shia Labeouf)
He’s brandishing a knife (it’s Shia Labeouf)
Lurking in the shadows
Hollywood superstar Shia Labeouf.
Living in the woods (Shia Labeouf)
Killing for sport (Shia Labeouf)
Eating all the bodies
Actual cannibal Shia Labeouf
Now it’s dark and you seem to have lost him,
But you’re hopelessly lost yourself.
Stranded with a murderer,
You creep silently through the underbrush.
A-ha! In the distance,
A small cottage with a light on.
Hope!
You move stealthily toward it,
But your leg! Ah! It’s caught in a bear trap!
Gnawing off your leg (Quiet, Quiet)
Limping toward the cottage (Quiet, Quiet)
Now you’re on the doorstep,
Sitting inside Shia Labeouf.
Sharpening an ax (Shia Labeouf)
But he doesn’t hear you enter (Shia Labeouf)
You’re sneaking up beside him.
Strangling superstar Shia Labeouf.
Fighting for your life with Shia Labeouf,
Wrestling a knife from Shia Labeouf,
Stab it in his kidney.
Safe at last from Shia Labeouf.
You limp into the dark woods,
Blood oozing from your stump leg.
You have beaten Shia Labeouf.
Wait! He isn’t dead! (Shia Surprise!)
There’s a gun to your head and death in his eyes
But you can do Jiu Jitsu
Body slam superstar Shia Labeouf.
Legendary fight with Shia Labeouf.
Normal Tuesday night for Shia Labeouf.
You try to swing an ax at Shia Labeouf,
But blood is draining fast from your stump leg.
He’s dodging every swipe,
He parries to the left.
You counter to the right,
You catch him in the neck.
You’re chopping off his head now.
You have just decapitated Shia Labeouf.
His head topples to the floor, expressionless.
You fall to your knees and catch your breath.
You are finally safe from Shia Labeouf.